Jackson, Mississippi is a beautiful southern capital city and a fun destination for a weekend getaway. A city filled with lots of history, as well as new and exciting adventures, Jackson offers plenty of opportunities for quality time spent with friends or loved ones, and time away from your neighbor Greg. Seriously, screw that guy. Always blowing his leaves into your yard. Absolutely no respect. Anyways, Jackson is great, and here’s some fun things to do while you’re there, and not around Greg.
1. Mississippi Museum of Art
The Mississippi Museum of Art is one of the city’s best attractions. With free admission, visitors are able to access all of the museums wonderful exhibits. The museum also offers activities through its “Museum After Hours” series, which include special exhibits, music, food, and outdoor movies. These are great for both children and adults, except for Greg. Although most people might recognize Mississippi for its contributions to literature and music, it also has a rich history of visual art, and that tradition lives on here. The museum is also home to an “Art Garden” where visitors are able to relax, each, and enjoy the scenery and sculptures, but most importantly get away from Greg.
2. Visit the Old Capitol Museum
The Old Capitol Museum in downtown Jackson offers a unique look into the history of the state. According to their website, the old state capitol was home to some historic legislature, including the 1839 Married Women’s Property Act and the state’s secession from the Union in 1861. Apparently those are the two pieces of legislation that this state is most proud of, for whatever reason. The large columns in front mimic the style of classic Greek Revival architecture. Greg never shuts up about the columns on the front of his house, and how much he loves Greek culture and architecture. He is so annoying. Look at those big, stupid columns. Forget about it, don’t go here, the columns remind you too much of Greg.
After visiting the Old Capitol Museum, you can mosey on over to the current State Capitol. Look at it, so majestic. The architecture imitates that of the United States Capitol building in Washington DC. The dome topped by majestic and powerful golden eagle is a key feature of the downtown Jackson skyline. If you visit during legislative session you can watch the sessions from the public viewing galleries. Some conspiracy theorists believe that Governor Phil Bryant a reptilian lizard, and that he has used his alien mind control tricks to control the state legislature. Just for the record, Greg is most likely one of these alien-lizards. However, he is probably not an important one, he is just a low-level lizard that all of the powerful lizard people make fun of.
Do you love animals? Greg doesn’t, he’s a douche. Do you think that taking them away from their homes and families and trapping them inside small cages so that zoos can charge a fee for people to come stare at them is messed up? Us too! But that doesn’t mean that we haven’t contributed to it. I mean how can you not? The little pandas are so cute. Go visit the zoo. You shouldn’t feel too bad because even though zoos aren’t good for animals, they do have really good popcorn. After dark is when it gets really fun. Hop the fence, smoke some doobies, drink some beer. Hell yeah man. Maybe even get in the cages and place with the animals. Swim with dolphins if you know what I’m saying. Haha. Right on.
Now that you’ve been in Jackson for a little while it’s time to eat. For authentic Mississippi food the choice is obvious, Newk’s Eatery. It’s easy, it’s consistent, it’s reliable, it’s everything you could possibly want from a family-friendly restaurant. Their signature “Newk’s Q” sandwich has recently been turned into a pizza. This is probably the most exciting thing that has happened in my life in the past six months. That doesn’t have anything to due with the fact that my wife left me six months ago. It is purely coincidence. Anyways, you get a nice cup that you can take home with you, a nice souvenir to take back and show your friends (i.e. not Greg) from your pleasant weekend getaway.
Are you feeling good after eating that delicious meal at Newk’s? Do you want to spend some more money? You should treat yourself. Take a trip on down to Bill’s Coin Stamp & Jewelry and get something nice for yourself or for that special someone! Everyone loves Bill, he’s a real quality guy. He is definitely someone that you can trust. The kind of guy everyone wants to buy their jewelry from. I mean come on look at this guy. Obviously he’s very tech savvy, which I guess is a good skill to have. Also, he is probably a pretty sick DJ judging by the audio equipment behind him in the photo, And most importantly, the ladies love him. Bill is like the anti-Greg, he’s awesome and Greg sucks.
One of the best things about Jackson, MS is the roads. The amount of money that the government has poured into infrastructure is truly incredible. By placing random holes in the roads, they have tested the suspension capabilities of locals’ vehicles. It’s a very Darwinian approach to infrastructure, and one that I truly appreciate. Survival of the fittest, if you or your car doesn’t make it out alive, too bad. Do you want to put your car to the test? No? Why don’t you just steal Greg’s car and take it for a spin around Jackson and see how it holds up.
8. Help out a homeless person at the gas station
Homelessness is a real problem in Jackson, but it shouldn’t scare you away. Often times they congregate at local gas stations, asking people for money and food. Most people don’t give them a second look. One time I saw Greg spit at a homeless person. You don’t want to be like Greg. Give these people a chance, lend them a helping hand. In return they might even be so kind as to join your army in the ultimate battle to destroy Greg. Most people underestimate the homeless, they are tough and they are good fighters. Definitely the type of people you will want on your side when the great war comes.
9. Lure children into your school by promising community involvement and then physically separate yourself from the surrounding neighborhoods
Sure this might take some more work than some of the other things on this list, but this seems like something that could be fun. First, you must position yourself as the Director of Marketing for a small liberal arts college in a southern capital city. Once you have secured this position you can come up with a catchy slogan, such as “Around the corner, and to Various places around the world”. It is important that you actually take some time to make this initiative seem believable. Particularly target Greg’s children. He deserves to have his money ripped from his pockets and have his children deceived and trapped on this prison of a campus. Now once you have convinced children and their parents that community involvement is an essential part of the college experience at your small liberal arts school build a fence around the campus and put barbwire on top of it. After the parents drop their children off on move in day, trap the children inside that fence for the next four years. Never let them move off campus, and if they try to, threaten to revoke all of their scholarship. This is not some place for kids to grow up and begin living on their own, this is *small liberal arts school* and their money is the most important thing to you, not some community engagement bullshit that was used to lure them here.
Get out while you still can. Mississippi has corrupted you. Your weekend trip has turned into the past four years of your life. You don’t know where the time went. You also don’t know where your family went but they are no longer here. Find your family or friends and hold them close. Your time in Mississippi has been too long, and you have lost sight of the things that are important to you. Although you are not eager to get back to your boring suburban home, your unfulfilling 9-5 job, and your shitty neighbor Greg, you just have to get out of Jackson. And never go back. Ever.
* You make it home to find that Greg has stolen your family from you. It’s like he has them under some kind of reptilian hypnotic trance. You have no power over this spell that he has cast upon them. All you can do is look out of your window every night as the sit down for dinner, smiling laughing, hugging, kissing. Then, right when they all bow their head to pray, Greg looks over through the window and makes eye contact with with. His shiny green lizard eyers pierce into your soul. He sticks his slimy lizard young out at you, knowing that you powerless against his reptilian mind control forces. You can’t live like this any longer. You get in your car and you drive as far away as you can into the cold winter night. Your tires grab a patch of ice on the road and your car spirals out of control into a ditch on the side of the interstate. When you open your eyes all you see is bright lights, you think that maybe you are dead, looking right at the pearly gates. Then you realize what you are really looking at. You are lying on the ground looking up at the morning sun. As you look around you notice a bright blue building across the street, with Frank Jones Corner written across the front. You are still in Jackson, Mississippi. There is no going home, ever.